i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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