I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
