I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just found a bag of teeth...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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