Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
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i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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