you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
