he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
