I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
