I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
