i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
