Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
