I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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