dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
