I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
