I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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