Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
