matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
