I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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