Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
