and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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