I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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