I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
