I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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