We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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