I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
