My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
