Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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