It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
