the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
