Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
