The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
God, I missed his penis.
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