M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
