I am puke
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
