so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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