Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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