my phone needs a breathalizer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
