I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
