good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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