My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
