So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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