totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
