I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
