just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
