Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?