I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
