He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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