God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
that may or may not have been my penis.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
