Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
