would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
