The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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