just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
