I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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