this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
