Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
