I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need to calm my uterus...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
