You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
