You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
